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Featured Article
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May
10
I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower.
He takes away every branch in me that does not bear fruit,
and everyone that does he prunes so that it bears more fruit.
- John 15
In this quote, Jesus tells us that every branch will be pruned, from time to time. Some will be completely removed, taken away and cast into the fire. Others, those that produce fruit, “He prunes, so that is bears more fruit.”
I would like to preface this post with a confession. I screwed up. I withheld a bit of information from the Vocations Director. The reasons I did were twofold: 1) I was embarrassed, and 2) without me saying anything, he’d probably never know. That was a stupid thing to do, I know. I have rectified the situation, to the possible detriment of my application. In fact, I have offered to withdraw my application because of it. I haven’t heard back yet.
At least I’ve been honest. By withholding anything, even something that when revealed would be more embarrassing than derailing of a seminary application, a candidate risks his future. This is because, in his dishonesty, he breaks the bond of trust between the diocese (or order) and himself. But, more importantly, he shows that he doesn’t fully trust in God! With God, all things are possible and all sins are forgiven. But sins can only be forgiven if confessed. Failure to be honest jeopardizes one’s future (and soul).
So, now I find myself in a type of limbo. I don’t know how the Vocations Director will react. Will he accept my missive and simply withdraw my application? Will he accept my contrition and ask for the application to go forward, only to die in committee later? Will this small bump lead to nothing more than greater scrutiny during formation? I don’t know. As someone who always thought my “chances” of being accepted were slim, I think this is the kibosh.
But, so what if it is?
I’ve finally put complete trust in God, because I have finally said to myself (and to the diocese), “this is completely who I am. If this is not acceptable, then it is not acceptable.” I wrote before that I believe completely that the Church has authority here and I have no right to demand anything. I accept my fate.
Ultimately, though, after about 24 hours of self-indulging pity, I was brought to the words of Wednesday’s gospel and a discussion of St. Therese of the Child Jesus. St. Therese went through what is called “the long, dark night of the senses.” Unlike mine, which thus far has laster 38 hours, hers lasted 10 years. She didn’t feel God’s presence in her life. Neither do I.
Does that mean that God isn’t there? Hardly! God is always there. Sometimes, though, we can’t see Him because the time comes for us to walk on our own. The time comes for us to stop receiving the succor of our mother’s breast and start eating solid food. In other words, the time comes for us to grow up spiritually.
Trees don’t feel pain when they are pruned. Trees lack central nervous systems. Vines, likewise, don’t feel pain when the vintner cuts them. But when the branches that are grafted to the True Vine are pruned, the pain is real. When the Father, in His wisdom decides to cut us back because, although we may have begun to bear fruit, there is much more fruit to be borne later, it can hurt.
I don’t know that this is one of my times of pruning. I don’t know that I have begun to bear some spiritual fruits and that, therefore, the vintner has chosen this time to cut me back that I might flourish later. Who among us can ever know anything when it comes to the workings of the Father, Son and Spirit?
No, I don’t know what God’s plan is right now; He does. And in that, at least, I can take solace. In my Faith, the one thing that I can know is this: while I may not see Him, He is there. He is doing exactly what needs to be done to me at the exact time it needs to be done. If I can’t find comfort in that, then I really am in a “long dark night of the soul.”
It was good to be fully honest now. It is not just up to an individual to decide a calling, ultimately the Church must confirm a calling and has a serious obligation to make a good judgment. We always want to assess each candidate as a whole, make sure that he is never going to be placed in an untenable situation, but do the best to ensure that it will also be a good choice for the People of God (a decision about a vocation effects more than just an individual candidate, it effects the community as well). When a person trusts himself to the judgment of the Church, it might not necessarily work out as hoped for or as planned, but that humble trust given to the Body of Christ on earth will not go forgotten by God in His Providence.
It is true that all sins can be forgiven, except refusing to accept God’s Mercy, etc., but the Church is also obliged to make prudential decisions at a given time and place in Church History. Sometimes consequences of past actions may preclude some candidates from the seminary for the good of the Church, the priesthood and the individual, but this never precludes one from attaining the heights of holiness of the saints!
God bless!
Thank you, Father. It is a shame that so many men can’t understand that it’s not up to us to make those decisions. People can rationalize a lot when given the chance. What they often fail to see is the inherent contradiction in this rationalization. It goes like this:
1) I believe I am called to serve.
2) I have a blemish in my past that may preclude #1.
3) The Holy Spirit knows about #2.
4) Therefore, the Holy Spirit has accepted #2.
5) Therefore, I don’t have to mention #2, because the Holy Spirit doesn’t care, so what difference does it make?
Of course, the problem with #5 is that admitting the blemish is just as legitimate (in the rationalization logic) than not admitting it. Finally, if someone truly does believe the Holy Spirit is calling him, then why worry about the admission. Surely, if the Spirit is willing to “forgive and forget” and call anyway, the Church will know this?
Hello Augustine,
Your post leaves me scratching my head. I guess I come from a different perspective? Depending upon the subject matter and its gravity, you are not required to tell everything about yourself to a vocations director.
Are we talking about something that is sinful? Does it reflect something about your moral character that is in perpetual conflict with the priesthood? Is it something that could be resolved in long-term formation? If it was a remote or solitary transgression, it might be best reserved to the sacrament of penance.
Vocations directors and boards are human and fallible. Given the scandals of late, many of them are running scared and disqualifying candidates even for small things or for the usual mistakes of youth. I would recommend that you discuss such matters with your confessor or spiritual director before saying or doing
things that might make a vocations director reject you as a candidate. Similar prudence must be practiced in the seminary.
Further, even if anonymous, I would urge any
seminarian to be very cautious about what he places in a public Blog. You never know who might be reading.
Surrender yourself to God’s will, but know that there is no creature in the Church as vulnerable as a seminarian. God willing, good and holy priests will help you discern your vocation. But sometimes dioceses and seminaries also have agendas. I recall as a seminarian, many years ago, getting two final evaluations. The staff was somewhat progressive and they claimed that I was too traditional and subservient to authority, i.e. the bishop. However, knowing that my ordinary would not be pleased with
such an evaluation, they expunged that critique from the copy they gave him. A few colleagues of mine had a vocations director who insisted that men commit mortal sin with a girl before coming to the seminary! It was crazy but even their bishop insisted that they date during the summer. Meanwhile, the rest of us were urged to avoid females and to preserve our chastity.
There can be a lot of power-plays regarding vocations. Liberal priests resent the large numbers of conservative or traditional men entering seminaries, today. They can make things hard for such men.
I worry about the mystics among us, too. Imagine what the psych test results would say about a candidate who heard voices (even if that of the saints) or who experienced an invisible stigmata at prayer? Tell them what they need to know but do not volunteer superfluous information. It can come back to haunt you.
God bless you,
Father Joe
Fr. Joe,
Thank you for your comments. I am very sorry that I didn’t know you had written… for some reason I didn’t get the e-mail to tell me that your comment came in.
I discussed this with my Vocations Director and the psychologist. It turns out, I was making the proverbial mountain out of a molehill. I feel like a bit of an idiot for making such a big deal about it.
Also, I thank you for your advice and reflections. Fortunately, I am a “delayed” vocation, so I have had experience with politics and infighting. I, too, am concerned about formators seeing me as “too traditional” and “too subservient” to authority. However, I tried to make it clear in my application that that is the kind of guy I am. So, if my Bishop knows that I hold obedience to legitimate authority, and he has an issue with that, he will reject my application.
Better to be rejected now than be thrown out later.
We don’t see a split between what the Church wants and what the Holy Spirit wants. Prayer is so important for all involved.
Fr. Sweeney:
I couldn’t agree more!