They’re not all going to get it.

Posted By Augustine | Filed Under Augustine

My Vocation Director said those words, or something to their effect, to me in a meeting in his office a few weeks ago. I am now firmly ensconced in the roller coaster that is called discernment, and with not a little trepidation, I finally mailed my completed application packet to the Diocese this morning.

Now, the reason for the title of this post is that the Vocations Director was quite right, and I am beginning to see it in the reactions of some of the people closest to me, my family.

Last week I was on the phone with sibling #9 (brother #7). I was driving home from the psychologist office (if anyone tries to tell you that the Church will take anyone into formation, they’re either lying or ignorant. The Church puts you through a lot before they’ll accept you) when my brother called to say “Hi” and tell me that he sold the 1959 Dodge he’d had in a garage from four years.

Along the way, the subject of my application to the seminary came up. Now I sent all of my family an e-mail update a few weeks back, but technology being what it is, they didn’t all receive it. With that in mind, I had to give my brother a full update because, like most of my siblings, he didn’t know that I was actually applying to the seminary.

In the process of discussing what is involved, the physical and mental examinations, the criminal background checks, the sex life and sexual desire questions and the lengthy paperwork, I mentioned my general trepidation that somehow the Bishop would lose all sense and approve my application. That, I told him, was my greatest fear. (I should note, it only slightly edges the fear that the Bishop won’t do that.)

“Big deal,” he told me, “it’s not like you have to go.” And that’s when I realized that this was one of those moments about which Father had warned me. He just doesn’t get it.

I tried to explain, but when you are dealing with a secular-humanist who is (or at least claims to be) an atheist, you’re in for a tough sell. I acknowledged to him that, yes, as an American I’m never going to be forced to do this, but I tried to convince him that, for me at least, there are worse things than being forced to do something.

If God forced us to act, then there wouldn’t be any reason for concern about anything. Nothing we did would reflect on us because God would be the actor and we would be nothing more than his really cool, really well made action figures. The whole essense of free will is that God asks and we act. We can be willful children, or we can be obedient. Adam was willful, Mary was obedient.

But, how do you explain to someone who doesn’t even acknowledge the existence of God, that while you’re not being forced or compelled, you nevertheless don’t think you can say “No?” How do you explain this to someone who simply thinks you’re more than a little crazy for believing in God in the first place?

Ultimately, I had to explain it to him like this:

To me, God is my father and creator. Out of immense love He made me; out of that same love He sustains me; and to prove that love He died for me and redeemed me. As much as you and your wife love each other is nothing in comparison to the love that God feels for me. (I noted that the love God feels for me is no greater than that He feels for everyone.)

Now, when someone loves you that deeply, once you realize and understand it, you begin to feel at least a little bit of that love back for Him. And, as you begin to reflect His love back to Him, it seems to intensify your own experience of His love. You begin to want to make Him happy because, well, He makes you happy.

And, that’s where I am now. I have been made so happy that I don’t need to return the favor, I desperately want to return it. I feel so loved by God for all He has done for me, I want to do everything I can to show Him that I understand and appreciate it. That’s why this isn’t about me anymore. Sure, I don’t have to say Yes from any legal standpoint. God will never make me say Yes. That’s why saying Yes has real meaning.

At the end of the movie When Harry Met Sally, Billy Crystal (Harry) sees Meg Ryan (Sally) at the New Year’s Eve Party. He’s just said to her, “The thing is, I love you.” and she is reacting incredulously to that statement. She thinks he’s lonely or depressed on New Year’s Eve and has come to her because of that. He goes into a brief description of all the little things that he loves about her and finishes with this:

“And it’s not because I’m lonely and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realized that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

So, that’s how it is, with me at least. I have learned that I love God, and in loving Him in a real way, I want to make Him happy. That means that, I can’t be an American or an individual. I can’t turn to the Bishop and say, “Sorry, this doesn’t fit into my plans right now,” because to do so would be to say that to God Himself.

That’s what I can’t make some people understand. It’s not because I’m lonely and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I have to say Yes because, when you realize the wonderful gift that God has gratiously bestowed on you by calling you to serve Him for the rest of your life, you want the rest of your life to start as quickly as possible.

Comments

4 Responses to “They’re not all going to get it.”

reynor on May 8th, 2007 7:30 pm

I wonder what else is going on in your mind.
Thank you for sharing this.
Augustine on May 9th, 2007 7:03 am

I guess I have to ask what you mean?
reynor on May 10th, 2007 12:50 am

It’s just that I’ve always wondered what goes on (emotionally & spiritually) in between the different stages of discernment. That’s about it.
Augustine on May 10th, 2007 6:53 am

Oh, I’m sorry. I was reading more into that comment.

Actually, I have hit a rough patch in the process… a patch that could derail the whole thing. I’m about to post on that now.